01-29-14

My echo is the only voice coming back, my shadow is the only friend that I have. No one is there for me when I really need them. I’m good at hiding my feelings. I’m good at pretending I guess. Pretending to be happy, pretending to be someone that I’m not. I try to change the way I am so maybe people will start to like me, but that obviously isn’t working. So there’s this guy I met at SSJ, he’s really nice to me and he told me he likes me, but honestly, I don’t know what to believe anymore. I think he’s really cute and extremely funny, he even comes to pick me up from my classes, he’s really nice. And he’s my age, but I’m older because my birthday is in April and his is in November. His name is Jimmy. I feel like if I really get to know him, he’d be the kind of person I know I could trust. He’s just one big sweet heart and he’s somewhat shy around me, but I could tell that he tries to hide his shyness, it’s really adorable! Well yea, that’s it for now and that’s what has been going on with me. Hopefully Jimmy is a good guy like all my friends say he is. I don’t even know who my friends are anymore. I feel alone, broken, hurt, and like I’m suffering from all this…

The Addiction of A Cutter
     Chances are, you don’t understand this addiction that I have. You probably fully understand the addiction to cigarettes, drugs and alcohol; but you can’t understand how someone can be addicted to harming themselves. I know it’s difficult to comprehend, and that’s okay, you don’t have to believe me. Because this is my battle. And you’ll probably never understand how many times my head is constantly filled with “I WANT TO FUCKING CUT!” and how it can’t be ignored sometimes. You won’t understand how hard it is to conquer a craving or how proud I feel when I do. I wish i had your innocent ignorance, but I also sometimes wish.. You’d understand. I wish sometimes you’d take it seriously; instead of some sort of joke. I wish sometimes I didn’t have to do this, but I do. My addiction is part of me. I wish you and all of the people who think like you would understand that.. You want to cut? Before you self harm in any way, you should probably know what you’re getting into. Before you make that cut, please keep in mind that you will find the pain release and blood strangely addictive. You may think to yourself that you’ll be able to control it, that you won’t let it get out of hand. You may think that you can just stick to a few small, shallow cuts here and there that won’t be deep and that will heal quickly and easily. But you’re wrong. You can’t control it, it’s impossible to control. It controls you. It’s an addiction. The cuts will get deeper, they’ll scar. They’ll take weeks to months to heal and years for the scars to actually begin to fade. You’ll find that soon, you depend on it. You can’t go more than a few days without cutting. You’ll go crazy as your skin itches and burns, your hands shake, your head pounds, your vision goes blurry as you try to keep your mind off of it, try to hold back from giving in. But you will. If you think you can limit the cuts to just one area of your body, you better think again. It’ll spread slowly but steadily, like a deadly virus. It’ll spread as you run out of skin, from your wrists to arms, past your elbows, up your shoulders down to your stomach, across your hips and waist and soon will cover your every inch of your legs right down to your ankles. I hope you’re prepared to withdraw from others and live in a constant state of shame and guilt. Even if you have been the most honest person to ever live, you will lie to your friends, family members, everyone around you who you care about. You’ll find yourself jerking back from the touch of someone, as if their fingers and hands have been bathed in a toxic, burning poison. You’ll be terrified that they will feel a scar or cut from beneath the fabric of your shirt or because it just plain hurts so much to simply be touched. Be prepared to become your own worst enemy. You’ll fear yourself, your head, the urges that taunt you every minute of every day. You’ll come to fear the next time you cut because you don’t know how bad it’ll be. Wait for the 10 cuts to turn into 20 then 50 then 100. You’ll be covered in scars and cuts. Your entire life will begin to revolve around your addiction. You’ll constantly be thinking about cutting, covering up your cuts, how you’ll hide your blades, scissors, bobby pins and the other objects you use to destroy your body. And then..the first time that you cut “too deep.” The bleeding won’t stop and you’re gasping, shaking, panicking, fear takes over you. You pray and hope that the bleeding will stop. Your purpose wasn’t to die, you won’t ever go that deep again. Right? Wrong. You’ll go there again, and deeper. But don’t worry. You’ll learn how to take care of your cuts so you don’t have to take a trip to the hospital every night. The better you get at treating your wounds, the worse they become. You’ll lie to yourself and try to justify it when you go to the pharmacy and drug store, finding yourself spending 20, 30, 40 dollars on dressings, gauze, alcohol wipes and sterile strips. You’ll tap your foot impatiently, hoping that no one stares and asks you why you’re buying all of these things. But at the same time..you hope someone asks, so you know they care. Be prepared to spend even more money on an entire new wardrobe. Long sleeved shirts, hoodies, long pants, boots, bracelets, wristbands. The list goes on forever. You’ll keep scanning other people’s bodies for signs of self harm, hoping that there is someone else out there who feels the same way you do. Hoping, praying that they will be like you. But that will never happen. You’ll see clean, uncut, unmarred arms and feel even more alone and ashamed than before. You’ll do a lot of things alone, be prepared to kiss your social life goodbye. You’ll always be doing your laundry, always in private so no one sees the blood stained towels and clothes. You’ll be spending hours scrubbing blood from the bathroom floor, and wiping dried blood off of your keyboard. You won’t be able to make it a day without cutting. You’ll carry an emergency kit in your wallet or purse. A key, safety pin, a needle, a paperclip, even a pencil. Everything around you will become a weapon. It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it gives you that feeling that sends you reeling. Next thing you know, you’re in the bathroom stall at your school or work, picking open the scab of an old cut with a needle. Say goodbye to all of the things you took for granted. Shorts, sandals, tank tops, swimming in the summer, going to the beach. All of these things will be a far off memory. I hope you like itching and scratching non stop. You will itch and itch and itch. It’ll be so much that it’ll look like you have some sort of flesh eating disease. You will become an expert on your body as you carefully destroy it, taking it apart piece by piece. You will dream of cutting, dreaming of getting caught. It will haunt you day and night, in your dreams and when you are awake. Cutting will take over your life. It now has it’s hold over you, it controls you.
You’ll hate yourself, hate yourself for making that first cut that threw you into this vicious, never ending cycle. You’ll wish you never made that first cut. You’ll wish you had read something like this, or that someone had told you what would happen. But as much as you hate your addiction and self harm, you love it and can’t live without it. You’d rather die than go just a few weeks without cutting.

“Describing what it’s like to cut.”

Well, just go to the beach and walk into the water.  Blind folded. You just keep walking. You don’t know where you’re going. You just know you’re going deeper. That’s what the build up to cutting feels like. Depression has blinded you. All you know is you’re going deeper. Now just keep going until you drown. You want relief, you wan air, you don’t want to be drowning anymore. Now imagine the relief when someone pulls you out of the water. That’s what cutting is. Relief. Relief from all the pain you’ve been drowning in. Relief from not feeling good enough. Relief from the bullies at school. Relief from feeling fat. Relief from your imperfections and insecurities. You might think cutting is disgusting and might never understand it, but when you’re drowning, you need saving. You need relief. So what is cutting like? It’s relief.