01-29-14

My echo is the only voice coming back, my shadow is the only friend that I have. No one is there for me when I really need them. I’m good at hiding my feelings. I’m good at pretending I guess. Pretending to be happy, pretending to be someone that I’m not. I try to change the way I am so maybe people will start to like me, but that obviously isn’t working. So there’s this guy I met at SSJ, he’s really nice to me and he told me he likes me, but honestly, I don’t know what to believe anymore. I think he’s really cute and extremely funny, he even comes to pick me up from my classes, he’s really nice. And he’s my age, but I’m older because my birthday is in April and his is in November. His name is Jimmy. I feel like if I really get to know him, he’d be the kind of person I know I could trust. He’s just one big sweet heart and he’s somewhat shy around me, but I could tell that he tries to hide his shyness, it’s really adorable! Well yea, that’s it for now and that’s what has been going on with me. Hopefully Jimmy is a good guy like all my friends say he is. I don’t even know who my friends are anymore. I feel alone, broken, hurt, and like I’m suffering from all this…

The Addiction of A Cutter
     Chances are, you don’t understand this addiction that I have. You probably fully understand the addiction to cigarettes, drugs and alcohol; but you can’t understand how someone can be addicted to harming themselves. I know it’s difficult to comprehend, and that’s okay, you don’t have to believe me. Because this is my battle. And you’ll probably never understand how many times my head is constantly filled with “I WANT TO FUCKING CUT!” and how it can’t be ignored sometimes. You won’t understand how hard it is to conquer a craving or how proud I feel when I do. I wish i had your innocent ignorance, but I also sometimes wish.. You’d understand. I wish sometimes you’d take it seriously; instead of some sort of joke. I wish sometimes I didn’t have to do this, but I do. My addiction is part of me. I wish you and all of the people who think like you would understand that.. You want to cut? Before you self harm in any way, you should probably know what you’re getting into. Before you make that cut, please keep in mind that you will find the pain release and blood strangely addictive. You may think to yourself that you’ll be able to control it, that you won’t let it get out of hand. You may think that you can just stick to a few small, shallow cuts here and there that won’t be deep and that will heal quickly and easily. But you’re wrong. You can’t control it, it’s impossible to control. It controls you. It’s an addiction. The cuts will get deeper, they’ll scar. They’ll take weeks to months to heal and years for the scars to actually begin to fade. You’ll find that soon, you depend on it. You can’t go more than a few days without cutting. You’ll go crazy as your skin itches and burns, your hands shake, your head pounds, your vision goes blurry as you try to keep your mind off of it, try to hold back from giving in. But you will. If you think you can limit the cuts to just one area of your body, you better think again. It’ll spread slowly but steadily, like a deadly virus. It’ll spread as you run out of skin, from your wrists to arms, past your elbows, up your shoulders down to your stomach, across your hips and waist and soon will cover your every inch of your legs right down to your ankles. I hope you’re prepared to withdraw from others and live in a constant state of shame and guilt. Even if you have been the most honest person to ever live, you will lie to your friends, family members, everyone around you who you care about. You’ll find yourself jerking back from the touch of someone, as if their fingers and hands have been bathed in a toxic, burning poison. You’ll be terrified that they will feel a scar or cut from beneath the fabric of your shirt or because it just plain hurts so much to simply be touched. Be prepared to become your own worst enemy. You’ll fear yourself, your head, the urges that taunt you every minute of every day. You’ll come to fear the next time you cut because you don’t know how bad it’ll be. Wait for the 10 cuts to turn into 20 then 50 then 100. You’ll be covered in scars and cuts. Your entire life will begin to revolve around your addiction. You’ll constantly be thinking about cutting, covering up your cuts, how you’ll hide your blades, scissors, bobby pins and the other objects you use to destroy your body. And then..the first time that you cut “too deep.” The bleeding won’t stop and you’re gasping, shaking, panicking, fear takes over you. You pray and hope that the bleeding will stop. Your purpose wasn’t to die, you won’t ever go that deep again. Right? Wrong. You’ll go there again, and deeper. But don’t worry. You’ll learn how to take care of your cuts so you don’t have to take a trip to the hospital every night. The better you get at treating your wounds, the worse they become. You’ll lie to yourself and try to justify it when you go to the pharmacy and drug store, finding yourself spending 20, 30, 40 dollars on dressings, gauze, alcohol wipes and sterile strips. You’ll tap your foot impatiently, hoping that no one stares and asks you why you’re buying all of these things. But at the same time..you hope someone asks, so you know they care. Be prepared to spend even more money on an entire new wardrobe. Long sleeved shirts, hoodies, long pants, boots, bracelets, wristbands. The list goes on forever. You’ll keep scanning other people’s bodies for signs of self harm, hoping that there is someone else out there who feels the same way you do. Hoping, praying that they will be like you. But that will never happen. You’ll see clean, uncut, unmarred arms and feel even more alone and ashamed than before. You’ll do a lot of things alone, be prepared to kiss your social life goodbye. You’ll always be doing your laundry, always in private so no one sees the blood stained towels and clothes. You’ll be spending hours scrubbing blood from the bathroom floor, and wiping dried blood off of your keyboard. You won’t be able to make it a day without cutting. You’ll carry an emergency kit in your wallet or purse. A key, safety pin, a needle, a paperclip, even a pencil. Everything around you will become a weapon. It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it gives you that feeling that sends you reeling. Next thing you know, you’re in the bathroom stall at your school or work, picking open the scab of an old cut with a needle. Say goodbye to all of the things you took for granted. Shorts, sandals, tank tops, swimming in the summer, going to the beach. All of these things will be a far off memory. I hope you like itching and scratching non stop. You will itch and itch and itch. It’ll be so much that it’ll look like you have some sort of flesh eating disease. You will become an expert on your body as you carefully destroy it, taking it apart piece by piece. You will dream of cutting, dreaming of getting caught. It will haunt you day and night, in your dreams and when you are awake. Cutting will take over your life. It now has it’s hold over you, it controls you.
You’ll hate yourself, hate yourself for making that first cut that threw you into this vicious, never ending cycle. You’ll wish you never made that first cut. You’ll wish you had read something like this, or that someone had told you what would happen. But as much as you hate your addiction and self harm, you love it and can’t live without it. You’d rather die than go just a few weeks without cutting.

“Describing what it’s like to cut.”

Well, just go to the beach and walk into the water.  Blind folded. You just keep walking. You don’t know where you’re going. You just know you’re going deeper. That’s what the build up to cutting feels like. Depression has blinded you. All you know is you’re going deeper. Now just keep going until you drown. You want relief, you wan air, you don’t want to be drowning anymore. Now imagine the relief when someone pulls you out of the water. That’s what cutting is. Relief. Relief from all the pain you’ve been drowning in. Relief from not feeling good enough. Relief from the bullies at school. Relief from feeling fat. Relief from your imperfections and insecurities. You might think cutting is disgusting and might never understand it, but when you’re drowning, you need saving. You need relief. So what is cutting like? It’s relief.

  Why I Write on Myself and the Story      Behind it All                         

I like to write on myself a lot and I mostly write on myself every day. I write band names on my arms all the time and I only do that because the music they make helps me through so much. Believe it or not, there’s actually certain days that you’re suppose to write a certain thing on your wrist(s). Right now, there’s this thing called “The Lines Project”. The picture below will show you what it is exactly and it’s only on until the 20^th of this month (December). Another thing that goes on is when you’re supposed to write a semi colon (;) on your wrist on April 16^th. There’s an actual quote that goes along with the semi-colon. The quote is “A semi-colon represents a sentence the author could have ended, but chose not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life.” I actually like doing these things and writing stuff like this on my wrist because it makes me feel better. I know that I am only supposed to write a semi-colon on the 16^th of April but I write it on my wrist EVERYDAY. Trust me when I say that. Right now I have the 6 lines on my LEFT wrist because that’s the arm I’m suppose to have it on because I self harm. Little things like this make me feel better, I don’t know why but it just does. I think it’s because I know I’m not the only one out there doing these things and I know I’m not the only one who self harms. It’s like doing a creative project but on your wrists. I wouldn’t say I enjoy cutting but I cut wrists like if it was art. I love to draw, instead of using paper and a pencil, I use a needle and my wrists. Anyone can do the “activities” that I just talked about, if you self harm or if you are just supporting the whole self harm thing. I can honestly say that it’s a great feeling to know that there are people out there who are supporting something like this. It may not seem like a big deal to some people but it means a lot to me. Words can’t even explain how amazing it makes me feel. All I can say is that it makes me feel appreciated and I don’t seem different than anyone else. I’m still human, I have feelings but I self harm so I could feel the pain and hope to never feel it again. But I know that I eventually will, and that really sucks. I don’t just cut for the helI of it, I have my reasons. I am not searching for attention either. I have scars on my wrists, and each of them have a story behind them. If I ever do something wrong or even get into trouble with my parents, I feel the urge to cut because I feel that I’ve hurt them and I need to feel that pain back. I’d much rather slit my wrists than see anyone I love being hurt. I feel like everything is my fault so I guess you can say that I punish myself. I feel like I’m in this big ocean all by myself and every day, I begin to sink lower and lower. I feel like I have nothing ahead of me, no future, nothing worth living for. There’s times where I’m the last one to go to sleep in my house because I want to cry, so I wait for everyone else to go to sleep, then I begin to cry myself to sleep. I cry because of who I am, I feel worthless at times. I’m a failure at everything! I’ve had moments where I feel bad for my parents that they have such a stupid and worthless daughter. I’ve had people ask me why I’m still alive and it hurts because it’s like they’re asking me to kill myself. I can manage to hold my tears back at times, but I’ve also had times where I can’t hold it in and my tears begin to come out. I’m not afraid to die, I’m more afraid to see what happens next. I have moments where I feel so weak and that feeling comes out of nowhere. I have no idea if there is a heaven or hell, but to be honest, I wouldn’t care where I’d go. If I go to heaven, then I’m thankful, but if I go to hell, I feel like it was meant to be and I was supposed to go to hell for a reason. I don’t care where I go because the devil was once an angel, not any ordinary angel, but he was Gods favorite. I didn’t think I would hurt my family the way I did in November. I was so surprised that they actually cared that I wasn’t home. I thought they’d be happy that I was gone, but I still have no idea. I think that was the main reason I did what I did, I didn’t and still don’t feel loved here at home. I’ve brought so much drama to my family, especially my parents and they don’t deserve that. That’s one reason I want to die so I could stop all this drama from them and they could feel peace and I’d be free. There’s not a single day that goes by that I ask myself “Why am I still here? Just do it Celissa, end all this pain and die!” I love listening to music because there’s songs that help me feel better or explain exactly what I’m going through. The main song I listen to is by Joel Faviere-If you knew. This song shows how I feel in a way. I feel like people think I’m crazy, stupid, or worthless. Have you ever had a pain in your chest and you could literally feel your heart actually breaking? That’s how I feel everyday, I have been feeling like this since 6^th grade, I’m in 9^th grade now. I’m surprised on how long I’ve kept this in. I know not many people my age would’ve survived after this long. I understand what they felt, I know it hurts. After a year of hearing everyone’s crap, most people just kill themselves. I’ve been taking this for about 3 years and I know that I’m not going to be able to take it anymore. I’m going to lose it one day and I’m just going to do it, I know I am. I’ve done so much research on how I can commit suicide and I know so many ways. There’s something that is stopping me from doing it but I don’t know what it is. I think what I’m trying to say is that if I were to be walking across the street and saw a car coming my way, I wouldn’t move, I’d just close my eyes and hope it hits me. Hopefully I won’t survive and all my pain would just end. If there was such thing to take a break on life, I’d do that. It’s not an easy decision to make when you want to kill yourself because you have to realize that once you’re gone, that’s it and there’s no coming back. I’m going to post this on my Blogger on Google because I want people to see this and know how I feel. There’s probably people who have been going through way more than I am. I just feel like I do everything wrong. No one trusts me anymore like they use to. I have a lot going through my head all the time. None of it seems to be anything good. I’ve been taken away from my friends at school. My parents are making me go to a NEW school which I think is going to be the worst because it’s HIGH SCHOOL!! It’s not easy to make new friends in high school. I’m not going to lie, I’m really scared to go to a new school because I won’t know anyone there. I’d at least want to go to HPHS because I know a lot of people who go there. This is just bringing a lot more to be on my mind. I hate that I have to switch schools. I think the only reason they don’t want me to go back to Linda Marquez HS is because of the guy I was with. He might get locked up and he’s moving back to Mexico for a while. Who knows how long he’ll be gone. I don’t really like the fact that I’m switching schools because high school is difficult. This whole thing just makes me feel more depressed about things. This isn’t helping me at all and I wish something would help me understand why my parents are doing this to me. All I’ve ever wanted was to feel loved by someone, anyone. Well there’s so much more to say but I guess I should stop here until I have something else to say or talk about. 

                              

                                               

Letting all my anger out

I hate being at home all the time. It’s so annoying to just be here and do nothing but home work. I hate how my life is and I hate everyone in it. I feel like I’m mad at the world. There’s so much crap I have to deal with and it pisses me off! I feel like everyone treats me like a freaking little kid and no one trusts me. This world is crap and I’m done with it. There are so many people that I hate and wish I never knew. Friends, ex boyfriends, even my own family! My family puts me through so much and I feel like they’re always on my back. There’s only so much I can take, I can’t handle that much. I’m not strong, I’m probably the weakest person you’ll ever meet. I know that I look happy on the outside and full of spirit, but on the inside, I’m dying, crushed, and just hurt. I hate that no one can trust me anymore. I’ve been through so much this year and I want to die and get it over with, I want to leave this world. I’m just so angry at the world!!! This stupid, worthless piece of crap world. I’m broken and depressed, always have been and I always will be. There’s times where I wish I could tell my parents that I hate them but I know that I can’t say that to them. I wish I could just let all my feelings and anger out to them and be straight up with them like I am with everyone else. Instead of saying things to other people in my family like saying that I hate

them, I’d rather slit my wrists because I don’t know one else in my family to feel the pain that I felt and still feel by them. I hurt myself so others can’t, but that doesn’t seem to work, I still get hurt all the time… by my own family! I’m just real tired and I want to die because I feel like I’ve also hurt my parents and family. I feel like if I die, there wouldn’t be anymore issues, everyone would feel happy and me; well I’d feel free. I’d be happy that I’m gone because when you’re dead, you don’t feel a single thing. I want to be able to not feel anything. I like sleeping a lot, not because I’m a lazy person, but because it’s like a temporary death and you don’t feel nothing. I wake up everyday wishing I didn’t. I’m hated a lot at school and I feel like my family is starting to hate me as well. Now that everyone hates me, I’m starting to hate myself too, which sucks because no one deserves to hate themselves but I guess I have to hate myself to love everyone else around me. There's times where i just want to go to the middle of no where and just scream at the top of my lungs as loud as i can. I have a lot more to say but I know I’m already writing a lot, so I’m going to stop it here and continue writing more on another post some other day.