Why I Write on Myself and the Story      Behind it All                         

I like to write on myself a lot and I mostly write on myself every day. I write band names on my arms all the time and I only do that because the music they make helps me through so much. Believe it or not, there’s actually certain days that you’re suppose to write a certain thing on your wrist(s). Right now, there’s this thing called “The Lines Project”. The picture below will show you what it is exactly and it’s only on until the 20^th of this month (December). Another thing that goes on is when you’re supposed to write a semi colon (;) on your wrist on April 16^th. There’s an actual quote that goes along with the semi-colon. The quote is “A semi-colon represents a sentence the author could have ended, but chose not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life.” I actually like doing these things and writing stuff like this on my wrist because it makes me feel better. I know that I am only supposed to write a semi-colon on the 16^th of April but I write it on my wrist EVERYDAY. Trust me when I say that. Right now I have the 6 lines on my LEFT wrist because that’s the arm I’m suppose to have it on because I self harm. Little things like this make me feel better, I don’t know why but it just does. I think it’s because I know I’m not the only one out there doing these things and I know I’m not the only one who self harms. It’s like doing a creative project but on your wrists. I wouldn’t say I enjoy cutting but I cut wrists like if it was art. I love to draw, instead of using paper and a pencil, I use a needle and my wrists. Anyone can do the “activities” that I just talked about, if you self harm or if you are just supporting the whole self harm thing. I can honestly say that it’s a great feeling to know that there are people out there who are supporting something like this. It may not seem like a big deal to some people but it means a lot to me. Words can’t even explain how amazing it makes me feel. All I can say is that it makes me feel appreciated and I don’t seem different than anyone else. I’m still human, I have feelings but I self harm so I could feel the pain and hope to never feel it again. But I know that I eventually will, and that really sucks. I don’t just cut for the helI of it, I have my reasons. I am not searching for attention either. I have scars on my wrists, and each of them have a story behind them. If I ever do something wrong or even get into trouble with my parents, I feel the urge to cut because I feel that I’ve hurt them and I need to feel that pain back. I’d much rather slit my wrists than see anyone I love being hurt. I feel like everything is my fault so I guess you can say that I punish myself. I feel like I’m in this big ocean all by myself and every day, I begin to sink lower and lower. I feel like I have nothing ahead of me, no future, nothing worth living for. There’s times where I’m the last one to go to sleep in my house because I want to cry, so I wait for everyone else to go to sleep, then I begin to cry myself to sleep. I cry because of who I am, I feel worthless at times. I’m a failure at everything! I’ve had moments where I feel bad for my parents that they have such a stupid and worthless daughter. I’ve had people ask me why I’m still alive and it hurts because it’s like they’re asking me to kill myself. I can manage to hold my tears back at times, but I’ve also had times where I can’t hold it in and my tears begin to come out. I’m not afraid to die, I’m more afraid to see what happens next. I have moments where I feel so weak and that feeling comes out of nowhere. I have no idea if there is a heaven or hell, but to be honest, I wouldn’t care where I’d go. If I go to heaven, then I’m thankful, but if I go to hell, I feel like it was meant to be and I was supposed to go to hell for a reason. I don’t care where I go because the devil was once an angel, not any ordinary angel, but he was Gods favorite. I didn’t think I would hurt my family the way I did in November. I was so surprised that they actually cared that I wasn’t home. I thought they’d be happy that I was gone, but I still have no idea. I think that was the main reason I did what I did, I didn’t and still don’t feel loved here at home. I’ve brought so much drama to my family, especially my parents and they don’t deserve that. That’s one reason I want to die so I could stop all this drama from them and they could feel peace and I’d be free. There’s not a single day that goes by that I ask myself “Why am I still here? Just do it Celissa, end all this pain and die!” I love listening to music because there’s songs that help me feel better or explain exactly what I’m going through. The main song I listen to is by Joel Faviere-If you knew. This song shows how I feel in a way. I feel like people think I’m crazy, stupid, or worthless. Have you ever had a pain in your chest and you could literally feel your heart actually breaking? That’s how I feel everyday, I have been feeling like this since 6^th grade, I’m in 9^th grade now. I’m surprised on how long I’ve kept this in. I know not many people my age would’ve survived after this long. I understand what they felt, I know it hurts. After a year of hearing everyone’s crap, most people just kill themselves. I’ve been taking this for about 3 years and I know that I’m not going to be able to take it anymore. I’m going to lose it one day and I’m just going to do it, I know I am. I’ve done so much research on how I can commit suicide and I know so many ways. There’s something that is stopping me from doing it but I don’t know what it is. I think what I’m trying to say is that if I were to be walking across the street and saw a car coming my way, I wouldn’t move, I’d just close my eyes and hope it hits me. Hopefully I won’t survive and all my pain would just end. If there was such thing to take a break on life, I’d do that. It’s not an easy decision to make when you want to kill yourself because you have to realize that once you’re gone, that’s it and there’s no coming back. I’m going to post this on my Blogger on Google because I want people to see this and know how I feel. There’s probably people who have been going through way more than I am. I just feel like I do everything wrong. No one trusts me anymore like they use to. I have a lot going through my head all the time. None of it seems to be anything good. I’ve been taken away from my friends at school. My parents are making me go to a NEW school which I think is going to be the worst because it’s HIGH SCHOOL!! It’s not easy to make new friends in high school. I’m not going to lie, I’m really scared to go to a new school because I won’t know anyone there. I’d at least want to go to HPHS because I know a lot of people who go there. This is just bringing a lot more to be on my mind. I hate that I have to switch schools. I think the only reason they don’t want me to go back to Linda Marquez HS is because of the guy I was with. He might get locked up and he’s moving back to Mexico for a while. Who knows how long he’ll be gone. I don’t really like the fact that I’m switching schools because high school is difficult. This whole thing just makes me feel more depressed about things. This isn’t helping me at all and I wish something would help me understand why my parents are doing this to me. All I’ve ever wanted was to feel loved by someone, anyone. Well there’s so much more to say but I guess I should stop here until I have something else to say or talk about.