Why I Write on Myself and the Story      Behind it All                         

I like to write on myself a lot and I mostly write on myself every day. I write band names on my arms all the time and I only do that because the music they make helps me through so much. Believe it or not, there’s actually certain days that you’re suppose to write a certain thing on your wrist(s). Right now, there’s this thing called “The Lines Project”. The picture below will show you what it is exactly and it’s only on until the 20^th of this month (December). Another thing that goes on is when you’re supposed to write a semi colon (;) on your wrist on April 16^th. There’s an actual quote that goes along with the semi-colon. The quote is “A semi-colon represents a sentence the author could have ended, but chose not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life.” I actually like doing these things and writing stuff like this on my wrist because it makes me feel better. I know that I am only supposed to write a semi-colon on the 16^th of April but I write it on my wrist EVERYDAY. Trust me when I say that. Right now I have the 6 lines on my LEFT wrist because that’s the arm I’m suppose to have it on because I self harm. Little things like this make me feel better, I don’t know why but it just does. I think it’s because I know I’m not the only one out there doing these things and I know I’m not the only one who self harms. It’s like doing a creative project but on your wrists. I wouldn’t say I enjoy cutting but I cut wrists like if it was art. I love to draw, instead of using paper and a pencil, I use a needle and my wrists. Anyone can do the “activities” that I just talked about, if you self harm or if you are just supporting the whole self harm thing. I can honestly say that it’s a great feeling to know that there are people out there who are supporting something like this. It may not seem like a big deal to some people but it means a lot to me. Words can’t even explain how amazing it makes me feel. All I can say is that it makes me feel appreciated and I don’t seem different than anyone else. I’m still human, I have feelings but I self harm so I could feel the pain and hope to never feel it again. But I know that I eventually will, and that really sucks. I don’t just cut for the helI of it, I have my reasons. I am not searching for attention either. I have scars on my wrists, and each of them have a story behind them. If I ever do something wrong or even get into trouble with my parents, I feel the urge to cut because I feel that I’ve hurt them and I need to feel that pain back. I’d much rather slit my wrists than see anyone I love being hurt. I feel like everything is my fault so I guess you can say that I punish myself. I feel like I’m in this big ocean all by myself and every day, I begin to sink lower and lower. I feel like I have nothing ahead of me, no future, nothing worth living for. There’s times where I’m the last one to go to sleep in my house because I want to cry, so I wait for everyone else to go to sleep, then I begin to cry myself to sleep. I cry because of who I am, I feel worthless at times. I’m a failure at everything! I’ve had moments where I feel bad for my parents that they have such a stupid and worthless daughter. I’ve had people ask me why I’m still alive and it hurts because it’s like they’re asking me to kill myself. I can manage to hold my tears back at times, but I’ve also had times where I can’t hold it in and my tears begin to come out. I’m not afraid to die, I’m more afraid to see what happens next. I have moments where I feel so weak and that feeling comes out of nowhere. I have no idea if there is a heaven or hell, but to be honest, I wouldn’t care where I’d go. If I go to heaven, then I’m thankful, but if I go to hell, I feel like it was meant to be and I was supposed to go to hell for a reason. I don’t care where I go because the devil was once an angel, not any ordinary angel, but he was Gods favorite. I didn’t think I would hurt my family the way I did in November. I was so surprised that they actually cared that I wasn’t home. I thought they’d be happy that I was gone, but I still have no idea. I think that was the main reason I did what I did, I didn’t and still don’t feel loved here at home. I’ve brought so much drama to my family, especially my parents and they don’t deserve that. That’s one reason I want to die so I could stop all this drama from them and they could feel peace and I’d be free. There’s not a single day that goes by that I ask myself “Why am I still here? Just do it Celissa, end all this pain and die!” I love listening to music because there’s songs that help me feel better or explain exactly what I’m going through. The main song I listen to is by Joel Faviere-If you knew. This song shows how I feel in a way. I feel like people think I’m crazy, stupid, or worthless. Have you ever had a pain in your chest and you could literally feel your heart actually breaking? That’s how I feel everyday, I have been feeling like this since 6^th grade, I’m in 9^th grade now. I’m surprised on how long I’ve kept this in. I know not many people my age would’ve survived after this long. I understand what they felt, I know it hurts. After a year of hearing everyone’s crap, most people just kill themselves. I’ve been taking this for about 3 years and I know that I’m not going to be able to take it anymore. I’m going to lose it one day and I’m just going to do it, I know I am. I’ve done so much research on how I can commit suicide and I know so many ways. There’s something that is stopping me from doing it but I don’t know what it is. I think what I’m trying to say is that if I were to be walking across the street and saw a car coming my way, I wouldn’t move, I’d just close my eyes and hope it hits me. Hopefully I won’t survive and all my pain would just end. If there was such thing to take a break on life, I’d do that. It’s not an easy decision to make when you want to kill yourself because you have to realize that once you’re gone, that’s it and there’s no coming back. I’m going to post this on my Blogger on Google because I want people to see this and know how I feel. There’s probably people who have been going through way more than I am. I just feel like I do everything wrong. No one trusts me anymore like they use to. I have a lot going through my head all the time. None of it seems to be anything good. I’ve been taken away from my friends at school. My parents are making me go to a NEW school which I think is going to be the worst because it’s HIGH SCHOOL!! It’s not easy to make new friends in high school. I’m not going to lie, I’m really scared to go to a new school because I won’t know anyone there. I’d at least want to go to HPHS because I know a lot of people who go there. This is just bringing a lot more to be on my mind. I hate that I have to switch schools. I think the only reason they don’t want me to go back to Linda Marquez HS is because of the guy I was with. He might get locked up and he’s moving back to Mexico for a while. Who knows how long he’ll be gone. I don’t really like the fact that I’m switching schools because high school is difficult. This whole thing just makes me feel more depressed about things. This isn’t helping me at all and I wish something would help me understand why my parents are doing this to me. All I’ve ever wanted was to feel loved by someone, anyone. Well there’s so much more to say but I guess I should stop here until I have something else to say or talk about. 

                              

                                               

Letting all my anger out

I hate being at home all the time. It’s so annoying to just be here and do nothing but home work. I hate how my life is and I hate everyone in it. I feel like I’m mad at the world. There’s so much crap I have to deal with and it pisses me off! I feel like everyone treats me like a freaking little kid and no one trusts me. This world is crap and I’m done with it. There are so many people that I hate and wish I never knew. Friends, ex boyfriends, even my own family! My family puts me through so much and I feel like they’re always on my back. There’s only so much I can take, I can’t handle that much. I’m not strong, I’m probably the weakest person you’ll ever meet. I know that I look happy on the outside and full of spirit, but on the inside, I’m dying, crushed, and just hurt. I hate that no one can trust me anymore. I’ve been through so much this year and I want to die and get it over with, I want to leave this world. I’m just so angry at the world!!! This stupid, worthless piece of crap world. I’m broken and depressed, always have been and I always will be. There’s times where I wish I could tell my parents that I hate them but I know that I can’t say that to them. I wish I could just let all my feelings and anger out to them and be straight up with them like I am with everyone else. Instead of saying things to other people in my family like saying that I hate

them, I’d rather slit my wrists because I don’t know one else in my family to feel the pain that I felt and still feel by them. I hurt myself so others can’t, but that doesn’t seem to work, I still get hurt all the time… by my own family! I’m just real tired and I want to die because I feel like I’ve also hurt my parents and family. I feel like if I die, there wouldn’t be anymore issues, everyone would feel happy and me; well I’d feel free. I’d be happy that I’m gone because when you’re dead, you don’t feel a single thing. I want to be able to not feel anything. I like sleeping a lot, not because I’m a lazy person, but because it’s like a temporary death and you don’t feel nothing. I wake up everyday wishing I didn’t. I’m hated a lot at school and I feel like my family is starting to hate me as well. Now that everyone hates me, I’m starting to hate myself too, which sucks because no one deserves to hate themselves but I guess I have to hate myself to love everyone else around me. There's times where i just want to go to the middle of no where and just scream at the top of my lungs as loud as i can. I have a lot more to say but I know I’m already writing a lot, so I’m going to stop it here and continue writing more on another post some other day. 

                                            

              Judgmental People

I hate when people begin to judge other people by just looks. There’s a quote that says “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” I completely agree with this quote. I think this is why people become insecure. People just speak their mind and very rude and cruel things are said. I know by experience, I’m not just assuming things. I know many people can agree with what I am saying. There’s going to be people who won’t care about how you feel. Judgmental people are just like bullies, they just say things to other people and it hurts. Words hurt, not physically, but mentally. I’m pretty sure that everyone in this world has been judged by someone else. Maybe by their skin color, the way they look, the way they dress, even the way they act. I’ve been judged by the way I look and how I am in general. I may act like I don’t care once it is said in front of me, but it really does affect me. It’s a painful thing and it’s the reason I’m insecure about myself. I get hated by a lot of girls and even guys! There’s so much hate that I begin to hate myself too. Self confidence is something I don’t have. I’ve read on books and news papers about all these teenage girls and guys who kill themselves because they are being judged and/or bullied. It’s not funny at all, this should be taken seriously. Not many people see that. I just wish that everyone would be able to be who they are and not get judged by others. But I think we all know that it will never happen, there are too many careless people in this world.

                                                      

                 What is Love?

I don’t think love is real unless it is proven. Love is when two people really care about each other and want to keep a commitment with one another. There’s a quote that I’ve always said; “Everyone says love hurts, but that’s not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love. But in reality, love is the only thing in this world that covers up all the pain and makes someone feel wonderful again.” Many people confuse things like this with love, and it’s not true. Love is a beautiful thing. Love is meant to be shared with other people, not kept away from them. To love somebody isn’t just a strong feeling, it’s a decision, a judgment, and a promise. I think most people can know what love is when they see it. You might have seen it in public, read it in a book and imagined it, a movie, even a cartoon. I think the cartoon/movie that made me understand love, was the movie “Up.” I remember just watching Carl and Ellie (The married elderly couple) and thinking “Wow, they love each other and they show it so much.” Even though it was a cartoon, you could tell just by the way they looked at each other. Love is like the wind in a way, you can’t see it, but you know it’s still there. Love is love, no matter the form.

                                                             

         Warped Tour 2012  

I think Warped Tour 2012 was a good concert. They have over 200 bands there!! They play on different stages and at certain times. The best part was the bands having the signing. You get to meet the band members from any band you would like and get to take pictures and have them sign anything you’d like. This was practically the best thing that could ever happen to me. My parents got me these tickets for my birthday. It’s hard to get in the crowd with so many people there. There were thousands of people and this is no regular concert with seats. This concert has no seats for a reason. It’s practically a safety thing because when you go to a concert like this, someone will throw you a chair and not care if it hits your face. That’s why we have what we call “mosh pits”. Mosh pits are the craziest thing. There is also what we call “The Wall of Death”. The name is literal! Wall of Death is when a bunch of people go to one side and a bunch of people go to the other side and once the singer from the band says to go, everyone runs towards each other and practically hit each other and just go nuts.

                                               

                               

     The Bands That I Like to Listen to

I like to listen to a lot of different bands from different types of genres. I don’t have a favorite band, I don’t have favorites. I just like to enjoy listening to the music. Music calms me down and just relaxes me. The main bands I listen to is “Asking Alexandria”, “Bring Me The Horizon”, “Suicide Silence”, “Iron Maiden”, and “Metallica.” There are so many more bands that I like but there is too many to name. I think music is a good escape. I am a suicidal person, I’m not going to lie. But every time I wanted to die, I chose an easier way to escape, and music was my escape. I know not many people can understand what some of the words because in most songs they’re screaming or growling. But I know what they’re saying and there is true meaning behind these songs. These bands mean everything to me. I honestly don’t know what I would do without music. Music is my life.

 

                             

                          

          What’s on Your Mind?

I have a lot of stuff going on in my mind. Ever since I stopped going to school, I’ve been feeling sad and I have been having these mood swings. I really miss all of my friends, and now I won’t be able to see them anymore. I’ll be lucky if my parents even let me go back to the same school. I won’t be going to an actual school probably until January or February. These past few weeks have been the worst for me. I never thought it’d be me to say this, but I want to go back to school like everyone else is and be able to see my friends again. It’s super boring to stay at my house and do absolutely nothing besides homework! I don’t think anyone should ever be home schooled, it’s the worst. To be honest, I wish I never did what I did because now I am stuck being homeschooled for like 2 months! My parents want me to move to another school but I totally disagree with that because I won’t know anyone and it’s hard to make new friends when you’re in high school. I want to go back and be able to see everyone that I know. There is also another reason why I don’t want to go back. The reason is because I feel like my friends are going to treat me differently an ask so many other questions which I don’t want ANYONE to ask me nothing or treat me different. I want to be treated the same way I was treated when I went there.                        

                                    

  

                       All About Me

I’d like to talk about myself. I can agree with most people that I’m not a regular type of girl. I don’t always worry about how my hair looks, I don’t wear 12 pounds of make-up, or even care how I’m dressed. Point is that I like to be who I am and not what others want me to be. I know I’m different from other people, not just girls. I love to draw, play instruments, dance, and I love video games! I’m currently not attending school for a personal reason. I really liked Linda Marquez but I don’t think I am going to go back to that school, I might go to Aspire, which sucks! Anyway, I enjoy to go out with my friends, especially my BESTFRIEND MELANIE CORTEZ , She has been there for me when no one else was <3 I love her, she’s like a sister to me. I do practically everything with her!  The weird thing is that when we had first met, we hated each other to death, and now we’re unbreakable. The good part is that she lives in front of me and I get to see her more often. Well what else can I say about myself? I enjoy listening to rock music. It helps me through a lot of things. I listen to metal, heavy metal, post-hardcore, punk rock, post punk, alternative rock, indie rock, and so many more other genres. Well this is pretty much everything about me.